Badly timed confessions...

Today is one of those cold, miserable, rainy days. The perfect day to be snuggled up next to your man... That's how my morning was. Woke up next to him, and it took us an hour (as usual) to get out of bed and get the day started. Nothing much to it, but there's something about how we hold on to each other every morning, that makes us both wish we could stay there forever...

After taking a shower, whilst he still lay in bed, he called me back to his arms. Again, just to cuddle. That's how beautifully this morning started.

Then as he was getting out of the shower, he asked me a question:

'What happened to that DJ ex of yours'

Caught by surprise, I responded.

'He's around, doing okay for himself.'

He nodded and seemed satisfied at my response. But the thought of the ex sent my mind racing to a topic I'd been meaning to bring up for a while.

'Love, how do you feel about gifts from my exes that I still keep?'

'We should sell them, get rid of them...'

This took me by surprise, him and I have broken up before but I never got rid of the of gifts he'd bought me. Thinking of this, I turned to him:

'So, I should give away my Nine West and Chanel if we break up?'

'Are you saying, you're predicting us breaking up?'

'No, I'm just saying that if we were to, I'd have to give up my favourite bag and fragrance. I don't wanna do that.'

'Where's all this going?'

'Okay, I have a confession to make. Remember the other day when you asked me where my personalised mirror came from... My best friend didn't give it to me, an ex did.'

This is where the problem started. It wasn't so much that I had an item that was given to me by an ex, but the fact that I'd lied.

'So, you've been lying to me? What else have you lied about?'

'There's nothing that I've lied about, I don't like lies and you know that. I felt bad about not being honest about the mirror, so I decided to come clean. There's a number of items in my home that are from past relationships and I've just been wondering if you'd like all reminders of past relationships to be discarded.'

'Yes, of course I'd like them to be discarded. They remind you of your exes and it's not fair on me for you to keep them.'

Okay, I'll end the dialogue here. I understand the anger at the lie (although we've recently dealt with an infidelity on his part and I felt that since I let that go, he shouldn't see it as SUCH a big deal that I didn't tell the truth about the mirror) but I understand his reasoning.

As one can tell, this is my first entry on this blog, and I've decided that this is the one place where I'm not going to be sorry (unless I really am sorry...), but being apologetic is something I always seem to be and here I'd like to be different.

The reason for this post is that this morning I had a flash-back of many years ago. Having been in an abusive relationship for 4 years, I ended up realising that not every single thing that I got hit for was my fault, sometimes all it took was for him to convince me that I'd earned it, and he felt justified in doing it.

The first time my ex hit me was on a day similar to today. We'd just come back from a movie and were sitting at my place and enjoying a peaceful evening together. I told him about a guy friend who'd come to visit my place a couple of weeks earlier, knowing that my ex (then boyfriend) was possesive I decided to break the truth to him before one of our friends planted any kind of doubt in his head. He was furious, accused me of sleeping with the guy and called me all sorts of colourful nouns...

Let me pause for a second, I used to do debating and I fully see that there are valid reasons for both these guys to state a strong case for their anger. I lied, and when it was convenient for me, I decided to tell the truth. Not the most noble of acts.

But going back to what I said earlier, I'm not going to be apologetic on this blog and for once I would like to start doing something I've never done before. That is to be on MY side. On both said occasions, I had to apologise and admit that I was wrong in order to keep the peace.

Well, today I realised that had I not been afraid of these men leaving me, I would have been more honest and stood up for myself. I wasn't caught out in a lie, I told the truth. I didn't expect a gold star for my honesty, but I believe that relationships are built on the truth so I was honest. For both these scenes, I had visions of 'him' holding me in his arms and saying: 'Thank you for being honest with me, I appreciate the truth, you're the most amazing woman on the planet... (or something like that).

Unfortunately this is not how either of these scenes panned out. I didn't get a beating today, but I have no doubt as to how much I've let him down. I can just see the can of worms that this topic has opened up in my head. I could take this further into:

1. What drives men to hit women (and as someone who's been there, I can honestly say that there are things that drive good men over the edge)
2. When you love him more than you love yourself...
3. Are lies ever necessary (From: 'Do I look fat in this' to, a man about to jump off a bridge asking you: 'Am I crazy')
4. Why do we find ourselves in the same relationships over and over again.
5. Are some sins (in relationships) bigger than others, if so, can people in glass houses throw stones?

I could try and come up with more, but for now the point of this was to break a pattern that's been a part of my life for a while. That is to not always be sorry...

All of this on a random, rainy, Jo'burg day...