Cheating (2007)

I have this girl-friend and at some point during this weekend we were chatting about cheating. For those who’ve done it, there’s always some good reason why you did it, (I was drunk, we haven’t agreed to be exclusive, we had a fight and I needed comforting, we’re not married so he doesn’t own me… etc.). But what is cheating really? Is it okay only when guys do it? Do women make it easier for men to cheat? Are cheaters bad people? Does cheating mean you don’t really love the one you’re with? Is there a type that’s acceptable, and does there need to be a clause when you’re dating that says: Now we’re official, keep your hands off other boys (Sorry, men)?

For most women who’ve been cheated on, I guess you tend to feel like you weren’t enough, you didn’t do enough and he had to go elsewhere. But since I heard that even Halle Berry’s been cheated on, I’ve realised that it’s not all about your short-comings as a woman, men cheat because they want to and as my all-time favourite book states: ‘It’s a question of integrity.’ Back to the friend, we all have our personal set of morals that we abide by and for them it’s always been that they will never cheat. Unfortunately life happened and they cheated, the funny thing is that now they rationalise it by saying that: ‘There’s different types of cheating and mine wasn’t that bad’. We all do that, as a God-fearing Christian I never believed in sex before marriage, now I don’t believe in ‘casual’ sex (kinda rewrote the rules as I broke them, it’s human don’t judge me).

My point then is what constitutes cheating? I’ve heard that there’s 3 different types. 1) Physical but not emotional, a guy meets up with a girl at a club, has a one night stand and then goes back to his woman. Standard justification: ‘It was just sex, she didn’t mean anything to me.’2) Emotional but not physical. Guy has a crush on a woman but doesn’t act on it. ‘I feel her, but can’t act on it because I’ve got someone.’3) Physical and emotional. He’s got another girlfriend and he’s in love with her as well. ‘I’m in love with both of you and I don’t want to lose either of you!’Anyways in my world, I might be able to forgive the first two but the 3rd one is definitely a deal breaker, you can’t have your cake and eat it (Well, not mine at least).

But from the cheaters perspective, are all cheaters bad people or is it just human? If you consider that cheating isn’t usually done in a vindictive manner, but more as a fun game that gives people a rush and provides relief from the boredom of relationships, I don’t think that cheaters are bad people, but for someone who’s been on the receiving end, it’s painful.I’d like to think that I’m a ‘good girl’, but I can be honest and say that I’ve cheated and it wasn’t pretty. There’s the excitement that comes with it and the feeling that you’re quite the ‘player-ess’ but ultimately hurting someone you care about is inevitable and you feel terrible for having done it.

Some men pride themselves on being able to juggle 5 or 6 women, for some women it’s about different people who fulfil different roles (minister of finance, good in bed, good company etc.), but in all honesty I think that cheating is based on insecurity and needing other people to validate you (not that I have a PhD in Psychology or anything). I’ve come across a lot of guys who value their independence and don’t want to feel owned. They’re young, successful and have the world at their feet. So why should they limit themselves to just the one person and miss out on all the fun that’s to be had out there? Some of my guy friends go as far as telling the women they cheat with: ‘I’ve got a woman, and I won’t leave her for you’. Unfortunately as girls we allow this sort of thing to happen, and some men do believe that the enablers for cheating are women, they know you’re taken but they’re willing to be the ‘side piece’. Most of us have come to believe that if it’s a man, it cheats!’ If he knows he can get away with it, he will do it.

The Zulu woman thing is that: ‘I don’t need you to be faithful (and we wonder how Aids spreads) but I do need you to respect me. If you’re going to cheat, make sure I don’t find out and let the side-pieces know that I’m the queen of this castle.’ Personally, I’m not one to judge (people in glass houses…). But I’ve got friends who adore their partners and are secure enough to not require the validation that most cheaters are after. There will always be temptation, but if what you have is real, you would never jeopardise it by cheating on the one you love.

My smelly best friend...

I have been smoking since I was 17 years old, just for fun at first but over the years I've developed a full blown addiction to this foul smelling, money draining, cancer-causing drug.

When I don't want to wake up in the morning, thoughts of going out for a smoke help me get out of bed. In rush-hour traffic, a quick cigarrette helps me calm down and not want to kill those arrogant taxi (and BMW) drivers. When I'm sitting on the balcony in the evening with a good book, the moment is perfected by a smoke. When my friends and I are out drinking, we go through a box of smokes each in a single night. When my man and I are having a fight, I step outside and have a smoke so I can calm down. Basically, my entire life revolves around cigarrettes.

I love the feeling of Dunhill Menthol. I love the 'bad-ass' attitude that I portray as I dangle a smoke on the side of my mouth. I love the moments of solitude when I stare into space, let my mind wander whilst blowing smoke bubbles through my mouth and nose. I love meeting fellow-smokers and making instant friends with strangers just because we're part of the same fraternity, we love smoking.

In the beginning, it was obviously a rebellious statement. I'd always been a good girl, so when I started varsity I wanted to break free from my goody-two-shoes image. Smoking was and is still considered the most unlady-like thing to do after drinking beer (which I do, love my Castle Draught!). So my best friend (she's not smelly, she's cool) and I decided to 'learn' how to smoke. We'd go to the garage near our commune, buy a single cigarrette and practice how to inhale without coughing. It's in my obsessive nature to not give up until I get something right, so I took on the 'learning how to smoke' project like a soldier. After a couple of months, we'd both mastered the skill and could even make smoke rings.

But typical to my nature, once I'd learnt how to do it, I got bored and looked for a new challenge.

But every now and then when we were out drinking, cigarrettes would be passed around and just to prove that I could, I'd grab one. Or better yet, when we're in a club and a good-looking guy is smoking, there's no better (female) pick-up line than 'Can I share that with you, I forgot my pack at home.'

So, over the years it became an even bigger part of the social scene and more of my friends were into it.

But I remember when cigarrettes went from being just an acquaintance to becoming my very best friend. And like most mistakes in my life, it started with a boy... I was dating this guy and he smoked like a chimney! I loved sharing cigarrettes with him and it seemed as if whenever we ran out of things to talk about, we'd just light up a smoke. I kinda started to get used to the feeling and the relaxing effects of cigarrettes. One day I was at a supermarket after a stressful day at work and I decided to add 'and a 20 of Dunhill Menthol' to my basket. The rest, as they say, is history!

In the last couple of years I have spent over 10 000 bucks on smokes! At some point I would go through a packet every single day, my monthly budget would have to include R600 just for cigarrettes. It became second nature when I'm at a supermarket to say 'and a 20 of Dunhill Menthol please.' I smoke in my bedroom, in my bathroom, in the car, the balcony... everywhere! All my closest friends are smokers and whenever we meet, it's over a smoke. We talk about our problems, we celebrate, we catch-up, we laugh, we cry... we do everything with cigarrettes.

Over the years, I've struggled with the 'smoking issue' in a number of my relationships. Someone meets you at a club, cigarrette and beer in hand and they approach you. But two months into the relationship, they suddenly want you to give up this 'unhealthy habit'. I'm yet to meet a man I like enough to quit smoking for. It's who I am, and I think that if someone loves me, they'll love my dirty habit too.

I'm fascinated by psychology, so for a while I've been trying to figure out why I smoke. I don't like the smell on my clothes, my mother would kill me if she found out, it's expensive and I'm no longer a rebellious teenager so I don't really need the 'declaration of independance' that it offers. I came across a book recently that outlined reasons for various bad habits (grinding your teeth, biting your nails, smoking etc.). The book stated that smoking creates an invisible shield around you that other people can't penetrate. So if you have an issue with allowing people too close to you, smoking is one of the ways in which you ensure that people keep their distance and you feel safe within that shield. The feeling of relaxation is another reason why we smoke, but psychologically, you believe that it relaxes you more than it actually does (like kids who have their 'lucky stone' that chases bogeymen away. The stone has no power in itself, but your belief gives it power and makes you feel better.)

Some of this sounded like mambo-jambo but I could relate to how smoking creates distance between you and other people. All my close friends know that I don't like to be touched. When people get too close, I get uncomfortable. Now that I smoke, it's almost comical how people smell you and then move away. This is just fine for me because I often cringe when people touch me or get too close to my personal space.

Having battled with the smoking issue for a couple of years, I've often tried to quit but always failed. It would take a single thing upsetting me, or a night out with my friends and I'd fall off the wagon all over again.

Recently I went home to see my mother. She and my brother have been asthmatics all my life. So much so that the sight of an asthma pump was a permanent fixture around the house when I was growing up. I don't really know if it's old age or the change of season, but my mother got really sick the first night I got home. We had to drive her to the hospital in the middle of the night because at some point she was struggling to breathe. I sat there, watching my beloved mother fighting for her life and something inside me just shifted. She was born with problematic lungs and every single day she's alive, she has to depend on a pump to stay alive. Nobody ever says it, but we all know that there will be a day when this illness will get the better of her and she'll be taken from us.

I, on the other hand, was born with perfectly good lungs and all I do is punish God by continually destroying them for the sake of 'a mild high'.

As I said, my mother would be heartbroken if she found out that I'm doing this to myself. Especially because growing up I often dealt with her and my brother's asthma attacks and near-death experiences when they ran out of asthma pumps. I took the time to really look at my smelly best friend and realised that this is absolute foolishness. Smoking doesn't have many benefits (but I don't deny that it has real benefits that have kept me smoking for a number of years) but it has lots of problems that it brings with it. One of the greatest problems I have is the terrible smell. Everything I own carries the dirty smell of cigarrettes. My car always reeks of smoke and my hair absorbs the foul smell. The second one is the pinch on my pocket. Whenever I go into a garage or store to buy cigarrettes, I end up spending money on other things I don't need (spare deodorant, gum, juice etc.). But even if I just spent money on smokes, it's very expensive! The effects that smoking has on your skin, nails and health is another negative. I may end up looking 40 at 30 years old, just because of this habit.

If I'm completely honest though, none of the above reasons ever matter when the cravings start calling. My mind says one thing, but the desire speaks the loudest and as always, I succumb...

I said earlier that I've never met a guy I like enough to quit smoking for, maybe I should have added '...until now'. My boyfriend has always despised my habit. So much so that he doesn't kiss me after a smoke, and if I want to upset him, I go outside and start puffing away.

He recently forwarded me an e-mail about this program that helps people quit, his e-mail said:

hi babe

you sitting next to me now...& i really feel you should read this ...i really love you & if one loves someone...they have their best interests @ heart.

This little gesture touched me deeply and I realised that between all the reasons listed above, my mother and my man... I need to let go of my smelly best friend. We've had great memories, but honestly, the cost of keeping her in my life is too high.

I smoked my last cigarrette 5 days ago, and this weekend my man had to contend with all my cravings, bad moods, complaining and practically wanting to kill him... he didn't take it all in a stride, but he stood by me, which meant a lot.

This morning I found an old packet of cigarrettes in a jacket I haven't worn in a while. It took all my restraint to give them to a friend, but I realised that although I'm 5 days in, I still have a really long way to go. Here's to day 5 of the rest of my life...!

Only insecure people get into relationships...

I'm at that unfortunate age where everybody around me is pairing up and people look at me wondering when my turn is. I must admit that this really snuck up on me because one day my girls and I were dating and dumping losers every couple of months and now people are moving in with their men and having kids. The saddest part though is that not only do I not see myself doing either of these any time soon, I'm dumbfounded at how completely miserable these paired up people are!

Picture this: It's a Saturday evening and we've got a ladies get together at my place. We're all standing outside at the balcony, by now almost everyone's nicely marinated on red wine, ciders and/or whisky. In the good ol' days we'd all be discussing our latest fling, the next holiday we'd like to take, lingerie specials at the mall or which Grey's Anatomy character you'd like to shag.

But a lot has changed since then, these days every word that comes out of people's mouths is: 'My man this, my man that...'. If it's not that, people are constantly complaining about the said 'men' or my favourite, kids! As the youngest child at home, I've never even changed a nappy, so kids are totally uninteresting to me. Until they start talking and learning how to use bathroom facilities on their own, I'd rather keep my distance. I often joke with my friends that they must bring their kids to me the day they want advice on sex /relationships/alcohol...

So, as one might realise, I'm the only one who's stuck in the good ol' days whilst everyone around me seems to have made a pact to mature and be responsible. Why exactly, I'm not sure. But I'm starting to embrace my new role and I'm now prone to raise controversial issues in order to spice up these dreary get togethers. On this particular occasion I decided to time my question well, just after yet another one of my friends had revealed how she'd caught her man cheating... again!

"Besides the love thing, why are you in relationships?"

Everyone stared at me like I'd just told them I'm emigrating to Mars. I'd clearly said something out of line. There seem to be a new set of rules amongst my friends, again nobody told me about this, I just had to kinda figure it out as I go along.

1. Honesty is overrated
2. We're here to make each other feel better (hence the tons of alcohol).
3. If the majority is doing it, then it's right.
4. There's something very wrong with you if you don't have a man (even if you find a broke, one-legged, 75 year-old. As long as you're not alone)
5. Happiness is overrated

There are lots more that I'm learning as I spend more time in this foreign new world with the aliens disguised as my friends...

After a long and uncomfortable silence, one of them piped up:

"I don't want to be alone, and I don't think I should feel ashamed to say that."

This seemed to open up the conversation a bit more and more people came up with their reasons. These ranged from: financial security, to the kids, to expectations from families to 'we've been together for so long,' and even 'I like having someone wake up next to me,' and someone even said 'I feel more like a woman when I'm taking care of him (cooking, cleaning, sex)'.

As mentioned before, I already knew that these can't possibly be my friends, but this confirmed it. I heard every single one of their reasons and came to the conclusion that relationships are clearly for insecure people who need external validation.

It was at this point that one of my friends who'd been particularly quiet piped up:

"I'm not in a relationship because I'm afraid of being alone. I've been alone before and was actually quite content. If he left tomorrow, my life wouldn't come to a stand-still. But when he's there, he brings a different type of happiness into my world. He adds onto the happiness that I already have by myself..."

I practically clapped when she finished speaking. This was the one answer that made sense to me. I'd been looking for one person who would tell me that their relationship wasn't based on fulfilling some insecurity/void in their life. She made me see things differently, and I decided right then to try and find that the day I grow up and decide to be chained down.... many, many moons from now ofcourse!

Badly timed confessions...

Today is one of those cold, miserable, rainy days. The perfect day to be snuggled up next to your man... That's how my morning was. Woke up next to him, and it took us an hour (as usual) to get out of bed and get the day started. Nothing much to it, but there's something about how we hold on to each other every morning, that makes us both wish we could stay there forever...

After taking a shower, whilst he still lay in bed, he called me back to his arms. Again, just to cuddle. That's how beautifully this morning started.

Then as he was getting out of the shower, he asked me a question:

'What happened to that DJ ex of yours'

Caught by surprise, I responded.

'He's around, doing okay for himself.'

He nodded and seemed satisfied at my response. But the thought of the ex sent my mind racing to a topic I'd been meaning to bring up for a while.

'Love, how do you feel about gifts from my exes that I still keep?'

'We should sell them, get rid of them...'

This took me by surprise, him and I have broken up before but I never got rid of the of gifts he'd bought me. Thinking of this, I turned to him:

'So, I should give away my Nine West and Chanel if we break up?'

'Are you saying, you're predicting us breaking up?'

'No, I'm just saying that if we were to, I'd have to give up my favourite bag and fragrance. I don't wanna do that.'

'Where's all this going?'

'Okay, I have a confession to make. Remember the other day when you asked me where my personalised mirror came from... My best friend didn't give it to me, an ex did.'

This is where the problem started. It wasn't so much that I had an item that was given to me by an ex, but the fact that I'd lied.

'So, you've been lying to me? What else have you lied about?'

'There's nothing that I've lied about, I don't like lies and you know that. I felt bad about not being honest about the mirror, so I decided to come clean. There's a number of items in my home that are from past relationships and I've just been wondering if you'd like all reminders of past relationships to be discarded.'

'Yes, of course I'd like them to be discarded. They remind you of your exes and it's not fair on me for you to keep them.'

Okay, I'll end the dialogue here. I understand the anger at the lie (although we've recently dealt with an infidelity on his part and I felt that since I let that go, he shouldn't see it as SUCH a big deal that I didn't tell the truth about the mirror) but I understand his reasoning.

As one can tell, this is my first entry on this blog, and I've decided that this is the one place where I'm not going to be sorry (unless I really am sorry...), but being apologetic is something I always seem to be and here I'd like to be different.

The reason for this post is that this morning I had a flash-back of many years ago. Having been in an abusive relationship for 4 years, I ended up realising that not every single thing that I got hit for was my fault, sometimes all it took was for him to convince me that I'd earned it, and he felt justified in doing it.

The first time my ex hit me was on a day similar to today. We'd just come back from a movie and were sitting at my place and enjoying a peaceful evening together. I told him about a guy friend who'd come to visit my place a couple of weeks earlier, knowing that my ex (then boyfriend) was possesive I decided to break the truth to him before one of our friends planted any kind of doubt in his head. He was furious, accused me of sleeping with the guy and called me all sorts of colourful nouns...

Let me pause for a second, I used to do debating and I fully see that there are valid reasons for both these guys to state a strong case for their anger. I lied, and when it was convenient for me, I decided to tell the truth. Not the most noble of acts.

But going back to what I said earlier, I'm not going to be apologetic on this blog and for once I would like to start doing something I've never done before. That is to be on MY side. On both said occasions, I had to apologise and admit that I was wrong in order to keep the peace.

Well, today I realised that had I not been afraid of these men leaving me, I would have been more honest and stood up for myself. I wasn't caught out in a lie, I told the truth. I didn't expect a gold star for my honesty, but I believe that relationships are built on the truth so I was honest. For both these scenes, I had visions of 'him' holding me in his arms and saying: 'Thank you for being honest with me, I appreciate the truth, you're the most amazing woman on the planet... (or something like that).

Unfortunately this is not how either of these scenes panned out. I didn't get a beating today, but I have no doubt as to how much I've let him down. I can just see the can of worms that this topic has opened up in my head. I could take this further into:

1. What drives men to hit women (and as someone who's been there, I can honestly say that there are things that drive good men over the edge)
2. When you love him more than you love yourself...
3. Are lies ever necessary (From: 'Do I look fat in this' to, a man about to jump off a bridge asking you: 'Am I crazy')
4. Why do we find ourselves in the same relationships over and over again.
5. Are some sins (in relationships) bigger than others, if so, can people in glass houses throw stones?

I could try and come up with more, but for now the point of this was to break a pattern that's been a part of my life for a while. That is to not always be sorry...

All of this on a random, rainy, Jo'burg day...