Cheating (2007)

I have this girl-friend and at some point during this weekend we were chatting about cheating. For those who’ve done it, there’s always some good reason why you did it, (I was drunk, we haven’t agreed to be exclusive, we had a fight and I needed comforting, we’re not married so he doesn’t own me… etc.). But what is cheating really? Is it okay only when guys do it? Do women make it easier for men to cheat? Are cheaters bad people? Does cheating mean you don’t really love the one you’re with? Is there a type that’s acceptable, and does there need to be a clause when you’re dating that says: Now we’re official, keep your hands off other boys (Sorry, men)?

For most women who’ve been cheated on, I guess you tend to feel like you weren’t enough, you didn’t do enough and he had to go elsewhere. But since I heard that even Halle Berry’s been cheated on, I’ve realised that it’s not all about your short-comings as a woman, men cheat because they want to and as my all-time favourite book states: ‘It’s a question of integrity.’ Back to the friend, we all have our personal set of morals that we abide by and for them it’s always been that they will never cheat. Unfortunately life happened and they cheated, the funny thing is that now they rationalise it by saying that: ‘There’s different types of cheating and mine wasn’t that bad’. We all do that, as a God-fearing Christian I never believed in sex before marriage, now I don’t believe in ‘casual’ sex (kinda rewrote the rules as I broke them, it’s human don’t judge me).

My point then is what constitutes cheating? I’ve heard that there’s 3 different types. 1) Physical but not emotional, a guy meets up with a girl at a club, has a one night stand and then goes back to his woman. Standard justification: ‘It was just sex, she didn’t mean anything to me.’2) Emotional but not physical. Guy has a crush on a woman but doesn’t act on it. ‘I feel her, but can’t act on it because I’ve got someone.’3) Physical and emotional. He’s got another girlfriend and he’s in love with her as well. ‘I’m in love with both of you and I don’t want to lose either of you!’Anyways in my world, I might be able to forgive the first two but the 3rd one is definitely a deal breaker, you can’t have your cake and eat it (Well, not mine at least).

But from the cheaters perspective, are all cheaters bad people or is it just human? If you consider that cheating isn’t usually done in a vindictive manner, but more as a fun game that gives people a rush and provides relief from the boredom of relationships, I don’t think that cheaters are bad people, but for someone who’s been on the receiving end, it’s painful.I’d like to think that I’m a ‘good girl’, but I can be honest and say that I’ve cheated and it wasn’t pretty. There’s the excitement that comes with it and the feeling that you’re quite the ‘player-ess’ but ultimately hurting someone you care about is inevitable and you feel terrible for having done it.

Some men pride themselves on being able to juggle 5 or 6 women, for some women it’s about different people who fulfil different roles (minister of finance, good in bed, good company etc.), but in all honesty I think that cheating is based on insecurity and needing other people to validate you (not that I have a PhD in Psychology or anything). I’ve come across a lot of guys who value their independence and don’t want to feel owned. They’re young, successful and have the world at their feet. So why should they limit themselves to just the one person and miss out on all the fun that’s to be had out there? Some of my guy friends go as far as telling the women they cheat with: ‘I’ve got a woman, and I won’t leave her for you’. Unfortunately as girls we allow this sort of thing to happen, and some men do believe that the enablers for cheating are women, they know you’re taken but they’re willing to be the ‘side piece’. Most of us have come to believe that if it’s a man, it cheats!’ If he knows he can get away with it, he will do it.

The Zulu woman thing is that: ‘I don’t need you to be faithful (and we wonder how Aids spreads) but I do need you to respect me. If you’re going to cheat, make sure I don’t find out and let the side-pieces know that I’m the queen of this castle.’ Personally, I’m not one to judge (people in glass houses…). But I’ve got friends who adore their partners and are secure enough to not require the validation that most cheaters are after. There will always be temptation, but if what you have is real, you would never jeopardise it by cheating on the one you love.

My smelly best friend...

I have been smoking since I was 17 years old, just for fun at first but over the years I've developed a full blown addiction to this foul smelling, money draining, cancer-causing drug.

When I don't want to wake up in the morning, thoughts of going out for a smoke help me get out of bed. In rush-hour traffic, a quick cigarrette helps me calm down and not want to kill those arrogant taxi (and BMW) drivers. When I'm sitting on the balcony in the evening with a good book, the moment is perfected by a smoke. When my friends and I are out drinking, we go through a box of smokes each in a single night. When my man and I are having a fight, I step outside and have a smoke so I can calm down. Basically, my entire life revolves around cigarrettes.

I love the feeling of Dunhill Menthol. I love the 'bad-ass' attitude that I portray as I dangle a smoke on the side of my mouth. I love the moments of solitude when I stare into space, let my mind wander whilst blowing smoke bubbles through my mouth and nose. I love meeting fellow-smokers and making instant friends with strangers just because we're part of the same fraternity, we love smoking.

In the beginning, it was obviously a rebellious statement. I'd always been a good girl, so when I started varsity I wanted to break free from my goody-two-shoes image. Smoking was and is still considered the most unlady-like thing to do after drinking beer (which I do, love my Castle Draught!). So my best friend (she's not smelly, she's cool) and I decided to 'learn' how to smoke. We'd go to the garage near our commune, buy a single cigarrette and practice how to inhale without coughing. It's in my obsessive nature to not give up until I get something right, so I took on the 'learning how to smoke' project like a soldier. After a couple of months, we'd both mastered the skill and could even make smoke rings.

But typical to my nature, once I'd learnt how to do it, I got bored and looked for a new challenge.

But every now and then when we were out drinking, cigarrettes would be passed around and just to prove that I could, I'd grab one. Or better yet, when we're in a club and a good-looking guy is smoking, there's no better (female) pick-up line than 'Can I share that with you, I forgot my pack at home.'

So, over the years it became an even bigger part of the social scene and more of my friends were into it.

But I remember when cigarrettes went from being just an acquaintance to becoming my very best friend. And like most mistakes in my life, it started with a boy... I was dating this guy and he smoked like a chimney! I loved sharing cigarrettes with him and it seemed as if whenever we ran out of things to talk about, we'd just light up a smoke. I kinda started to get used to the feeling and the relaxing effects of cigarrettes. One day I was at a supermarket after a stressful day at work and I decided to add 'and a 20 of Dunhill Menthol' to my basket. The rest, as they say, is history!

In the last couple of years I have spent over 10 000 bucks on smokes! At some point I would go through a packet every single day, my monthly budget would have to include R600 just for cigarrettes. It became second nature when I'm at a supermarket to say 'and a 20 of Dunhill Menthol please.' I smoke in my bedroom, in my bathroom, in the car, the balcony... everywhere! All my closest friends are smokers and whenever we meet, it's over a smoke. We talk about our problems, we celebrate, we catch-up, we laugh, we cry... we do everything with cigarrettes.

Over the years, I've struggled with the 'smoking issue' in a number of my relationships. Someone meets you at a club, cigarrette and beer in hand and they approach you. But two months into the relationship, they suddenly want you to give up this 'unhealthy habit'. I'm yet to meet a man I like enough to quit smoking for. It's who I am, and I think that if someone loves me, they'll love my dirty habit too.

I'm fascinated by psychology, so for a while I've been trying to figure out why I smoke. I don't like the smell on my clothes, my mother would kill me if she found out, it's expensive and I'm no longer a rebellious teenager so I don't really need the 'declaration of independance' that it offers. I came across a book recently that outlined reasons for various bad habits (grinding your teeth, biting your nails, smoking etc.). The book stated that smoking creates an invisible shield around you that other people can't penetrate. So if you have an issue with allowing people too close to you, smoking is one of the ways in which you ensure that people keep their distance and you feel safe within that shield. The feeling of relaxation is another reason why we smoke, but psychologically, you believe that it relaxes you more than it actually does (like kids who have their 'lucky stone' that chases bogeymen away. The stone has no power in itself, but your belief gives it power and makes you feel better.)

Some of this sounded like mambo-jambo but I could relate to how smoking creates distance between you and other people. All my close friends know that I don't like to be touched. When people get too close, I get uncomfortable. Now that I smoke, it's almost comical how people smell you and then move away. This is just fine for me because I often cringe when people touch me or get too close to my personal space.

Having battled with the smoking issue for a couple of years, I've often tried to quit but always failed. It would take a single thing upsetting me, or a night out with my friends and I'd fall off the wagon all over again.

Recently I went home to see my mother. She and my brother have been asthmatics all my life. So much so that the sight of an asthma pump was a permanent fixture around the house when I was growing up. I don't really know if it's old age or the change of season, but my mother got really sick the first night I got home. We had to drive her to the hospital in the middle of the night because at some point she was struggling to breathe. I sat there, watching my beloved mother fighting for her life and something inside me just shifted. She was born with problematic lungs and every single day she's alive, she has to depend on a pump to stay alive. Nobody ever says it, but we all know that there will be a day when this illness will get the better of her and she'll be taken from us.

I, on the other hand, was born with perfectly good lungs and all I do is punish God by continually destroying them for the sake of 'a mild high'.

As I said, my mother would be heartbroken if she found out that I'm doing this to myself. Especially because growing up I often dealt with her and my brother's asthma attacks and near-death experiences when they ran out of asthma pumps. I took the time to really look at my smelly best friend and realised that this is absolute foolishness. Smoking doesn't have many benefits (but I don't deny that it has real benefits that have kept me smoking for a number of years) but it has lots of problems that it brings with it. One of the greatest problems I have is the terrible smell. Everything I own carries the dirty smell of cigarrettes. My car always reeks of smoke and my hair absorbs the foul smell. The second one is the pinch on my pocket. Whenever I go into a garage or store to buy cigarrettes, I end up spending money on other things I don't need (spare deodorant, gum, juice etc.). But even if I just spent money on smokes, it's very expensive! The effects that smoking has on your skin, nails and health is another negative. I may end up looking 40 at 30 years old, just because of this habit.

If I'm completely honest though, none of the above reasons ever matter when the cravings start calling. My mind says one thing, but the desire speaks the loudest and as always, I succumb...

I said earlier that I've never met a guy I like enough to quit smoking for, maybe I should have added '...until now'. My boyfriend has always despised my habit. So much so that he doesn't kiss me after a smoke, and if I want to upset him, I go outside and start puffing away.

He recently forwarded me an e-mail about this program that helps people quit, his e-mail said:

hi babe

you sitting next to me now...& i really feel you should read this ...i really love you & if one loves someone...they have their best interests @ heart.

This little gesture touched me deeply and I realised that between all the reasons listed above, my mother and my man... I need to let go of my smelly best friend. We've had great memories, but honestly, the cost of keeping her in my life is too high.

I smoked my last cigarrette 5 days ago, and this weekend my man had to contend with all my cravings, bad moods, complaining and practically wanting to kill him... he didn't take it all in a stride, but he stood by me, which meant a lot.

This morning I found an old packet of cigarrettes in a jacket I haven't worn in a while. It took all my restraint to give them to a friend, but I realised that although I'm 5 days in, I still have a really long way to go. Here's to day 5 of the rest of my life...!